Dunn ‘weighs’ his leadership role

One way or another, Adam Dunn is a team leader for the Reds.

Widely known for leading the majors in strikeouts, Dunn’s leadership extends far beyond being the “King of Called Third Strikes.”

Dunn’s $13 million salary leads all players on the Reds roster, topping fellow overpriced outfielder, Ken Griffey Jr.  In fact, Dunn’s salary is the highest in the 137 year history of the Reds organization.

“Since I got here in 2001, becoming a leader is something that’s progressively occurred,” said Dunn. “For example, I only got 74 strikeouts in my rookie season, but over the course of the years, I’ve gradually established myself as a leader in that department.” 

Another place where Dunn’s leadership is unquestioned is at the clubhouse buffet.  “Since I began with the team in 1947, I’ve never seen a guy pig out like that,” commented Reds senior clubhouse manager, Bernie Stowe. ”Sean Casey never met a man he didn’t like, and Adam Dunn never met a smorgasbord he didn’t like.”

“Part of the rookie orientation we’ve implemented,” added manager Dusty Baker, “is warning our younger players of the dangers of getting caught between Adam and a plate of chicken friend steak.  Frankly, it’s more dangerous than getting between a mother bear and her cubs.”

Dunn’s prowess at the dining table extends throughout all of baseball, as ‘Pudge’ Rodriquez, former major league leader in the waistline department, now defers to Dunn.  ”I’ve given up trying to compete with that dude,” said Rodriquez. “In fact, I feel unworthy to be called ‘Pudge’.”

Officially listed at 275 pounds, Dunn’s actual weight is rumored to be more in the 320 pound range, which would place him in the lead, ahead of former Oriole, Walter Young, as the heaviest man in the history of the majors. 

“I’m not trying to be cocky or conceited,” said the Reds slugger, “but being a leader is something I’ve done since I was 10 years old.  It’s a role that I’m used to.  Just because I don’t do it like some people would do it or want me to do it, I can’t help that.”

Next up for Dunn: leading Major League Eating in Wendy’s doubles.

“As we say back home,” said Dunn, “everything’s bigger, and hungrier, in Texas.”

Selig 1 – Reds 0

The time-honored tradition of baseball’s oldest franchise innagurating the new season ended this year when MLB Commissioner, Bud Selig, qualified a Brewers intra-squad scrimmage as the season’s first official game.

Due to the unusual nature of having an intra-squad contest count in the standings, Milwaukee is guaranteed to start the season with a record of 1-1.  On a positive note, it will break the Brewers decades-long string of starting the season 0-2.

“We had to do something to break that horrid streak”, said Selig.  “Plus, this solution allowed us the added satisfaction of shafting the Reds.”

Cincinnati fans, seeing red at not being allowed to initiate the MLB season, formed hostile picket lines around Great American Ballpark.  With the collective anger simmering near a boil, chaos erupted when a determined scab breached the lines and reached the gates of GABC.  Police in riot gear quickly intervened, using teargas to disperse the enraged crowd. 

With the security situation deteriorating, Red’s GM Wayne Krivsky successfully petitioned the league to cancel today’s contest.  While the official reason for the cancellation was touted as ‘inclement weather’, the images of defenseless fans being chased down Pete Rose Way by baton-wielding police, told a much different story.

“This is worse than Kent State or the Who,” lamented a bloodied Reds fan.  “I expected the downtown streets to be a sea of red  today . . . but not this kind of red.” 

Meanwhile, inside the ballpark, the solitary Cincinnati fan sat patiently in the light drizzle patiently waiting for the start of the game . . . oblivious to the turmoil outside . . . or that the game had been cancelled.

Looking down at the lone fan, a team official bemoaned, “How can we afford to have a game with only one fan in the stands, anyway? I mean, look – the guy’s already loaded up with Reds souvenir gear.  And, even though he looks like David Weather’s twin, there is a limit on how many beers and dogs one guy can consume.”

Reds seek Bengal’s wisdom

The fallout from the release of reliever, Mike Stanton, and the accompanying writeoff of his $3.5 million contract, continued today.  In a noon press conference, Cincinnati Reds General Manager, Wayne Krivsky, announced, “All organizational scouting services, both major and minor league, have been outsourced as part of cost-saving restructuring program.”

Krivsky added that minor league scouting operations have been contracted to the Bay of Bengal Talent Agency of Dhaka, Bangladesh.  ”We’re certain, with a name like Bengal, that they’ll pick the absolute the best talent,” said Krivsky.

Unfortunately, Krivsky has been unable to reach the the agency since executing the contract. ”They’re always asleep when we’re awake, and vice-versa,” explained Krivsky.  “It’s been a little frustrating.  However, we’re confident that we’ll have the minor league player profiles in time for our first Griffey injury . . . or bullpen meltdown.”

Thankfully, the Reds have experienced better results with their choice of major league talent evaluation, the Red Rocket.  In fact, the Red Rocket has already publicized its complete profile of 2008 Reds major league talent:

     INFIELD     OUTFIELD      CATCHERS     STARTERS     BULLPEN 

“I don’t know why we didn’t make the move to the Red Rocket years ago,” added Krivsky.  “I mean, we not only receive top-notch player evaluations, but we know which reliever is best suited to host an episode of ‘The View’.”

Reds go to “Great” lengths to satisy fans

While he won’t guarantee a championship on the field this year, Reds owner, Bob Castellini, is promising that the newly revamped Great American Ballpark will be a “great” hit with Cincinnati fans.

“As part of our commitment to making Great American Ballpark the ultimate fan experience, we have invested in significant stadium upgrades for the upcoming 2008 season,” said Castellini.

Among the notable improvements cited by Castellini are:

“Sledgehammer a Toyota Tundra” charity fundraiser in center fieldZone where fans can take a symbolic shot at America’s trade deficit.

“Nasty Boys Memorabilia” on the Cincinnati Bell Riverboat Deck where female fans over 18 can get pre-soaked 18th anniversary 1990 World Series commemorative t-shirts.

“H.H. Gregg Highlight Zone” replaying epic tape-measure home runs of opposing teams at GABC.

“All You Can Eat” section where fans get unlimited hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn and Delta air sickness bags.

“All You Can Drink” section where fans get unlimited draft beer, VIP restroom privileges and phone calls to Barry’s Bonds.

“GameDay Bass Pro Shop” along the left-field line offering a wide variety of fishing nets to catch foul balls.

“Watson’s Patio Area” where fans under 12 can grill their own Kahns products on genuine Weber propane grills.

“Meijer Family Section” in the ‘right’ field box where no alcohol or same-sex couples will be allowed.

“It’s all part of our fan-first philosophy,” said Castellini.  “And if this season plays out anything like the past few, we’ll need all the help we can get.”

Junior’s offseason all wrapped up

As reported on Your Face is a Sports Blog, a team of Cincinnati Reds personnel, assisted by antiquities professors and experts from the Smithsonian Institute, began preparing injury-prone Cincinnati Reds slugger Ken Griffey Jr. for shipment back to Cincinnati for the start of the regular season on April 1.

The time-intensive procedure involves several days of wrapping Griffey in specially-designed wraps, originally used for transporting relics and mummies from ancient Egyptian archaeological sites to labs for DNA testing. This process can take up to three days, team officials said.

“We have to take special care with his extremities,” said Reds special assistant trainer Stephen Mandelbaum, a professor of archeology at Columbia University. “The points where his limbs attach to his torso bear a lot of weight, and you can get a lot of stress fractures in that area.” Through careful shipping and handling, Mandelbaum said the team hopes that Griffey can play in at least 130 games this year.

The Reds added Mandelbaum and other leading academics last season as a response to what is commonly known as the Griffey Shipping Fiasco of 2006′, when junior team staffers, left to handle the assignment, forgot to poke breathing holes in the crate Griffey was being shipped in. Griffey suffered severe oxygen deprivation, causing him to miss three-quarters of the season.

Dunn deal: Reds departing NL

 

Baseball Commissioner, Bud Selig, announced today that the Cincinnati Reds will be moving to the American League effective the 2009 season. 

The Reds move to the AL Central, coupled with Kansas City’s shift to the AL West, is being made to create parity between the six major league divisions.  As a result of the realignment, each division will have five teams apiece.

The announcement came as a shock to many fans of baseball’s oldest franchise, many of whom questioned why the National League team with the most seniority was the one chosen for realignment. 

“It sucks,” said one disgruntled fan. “They should have picked Pittsburgh.  The Pirates belong in the minors, anyway.”

The choice of Cincinnati, over the other five teams in the National League Central was reportedly made due to the ”synergy” between the stadium name, Great American Ballpark, and the American League. 

“I knew that name was going to come back to bite us in the butt,” said another unhappy Reds fan. 

On a positive note, Reds slugger, Adam Dunn says that he is embracing the move, not only to the American League, but the move to designated hitter, as well. ”Sit on my ass in between at-bats? Awesome! I’ll finally hit 300 . . . . . 300 pounds, that is.” 

Although no public statement has yet to be made, sources claim that Reds owner, Bob Castellini, is reportedly trying to avert the move by either joining the Independent Atlantic League or Nippon Professional Baseball, the Japanese league.

When informed that he might be playing in Japan next year, a resilient Adam Dunn replied, “Cincinnati chili or Japanese sushi . . . . . nothin’s gonna stop my pursuit of 300.”

Mojo vanishes, Graves reappears. Coincidence?

 

As has been widely reported, Cincinnati rookie phenom, Johnny Cueto, had the worst outing of his career yesterday.  Unable to get through the first inning, Cueto gave up 5 runs and 5 walks.

John Fay also reported that former Red, Danny Graves, was spotted in the stadium yesterday.

Coincidence?

When Fay tried to strike up a conversation with Danny Graves, [Vietnamese-American] Graves could only muster the words, “no habla ingles.”  

Meanwhile, out on the mound, a struggling Johnny Cueto was digging his own “grave” . . . . .  emulating a certain former Reds closer.

Coincidence?

After yesterday’s debacle, Johnny Cueto is reported to have consoled himself with lap dances at the ”Saigon Nights” gentleman’s club.

Meanwhile, Danny Graves was spotted at a Caribbean eatery indulging himself in a plate of “Mofongo”, a traditional Dominican dish. 

Coincidence?

Goodyear plans going down in flames

As the Cincinnati Enquirer reported, city leaders in Goodyear, Ariz., are having second thoughts about spending $33 million needed to lure the Reds to a new spring training home.

“The issue is the blimp,” said Councilwoman Joanne Osborne, who opposes paying for the new facilities. “It needs major overhauling and blimp mechanics don’t come cheap.”

Goodyear had been counting on sales tax from booming tire sales. But now, city officials say they expect $12 million less than anticipated this year.

To bring in the Cleveland Indians, Goodyear split the $75 million cost with the Bouncing Squaw Casino. However, in adding the Reds, Goodyear would have to pay the full bill.

Meanwhile, the Reds are keeping their options open and have begun discussions with the town of Michelin, New Mexico.

“Despite being the only team in New Mexico, our travel time to spring games would be the same as it’s been in Florida,” GM Wayne Krivsky said. “Plus, with all the cheap senoritas, it will make our Latin guys feel right at home.”

Gary Majewski’s bad hair day

As John Fay reported in his blog, Cincinnati pitcher Gary Majewski was “cut” from the Reds big-league training camp and optioned to Triple-A Louisville. 

While some suspect Majewski’s sub-par spring training to be the cause of the demotion, the real reason is that new Red’s manager, Dusty Baker, couldn’t stand Majewski’s hair. 

“He looks like my wife’s poodle,” said Baker “and I can’t stand that bitch.  I mean, I go to work to get away from that thing.”

Trying to avert the demotion, Majewski offered to trim his locks at the last minute, but management wouldn’t budge.

“I warned him all spring that his disgusting mullet was going to be his demise,” said stylish second-baseman Brandon Phillips, “but he wouldn’t listen.  He just kept whining ‘don’t cut my hair, my achy-breaky hair . . . ‘“